Friday, December 11, 2009
Recess Journal Post
I rush by by fellow students as I dribble the orange basketball- dribbling and spinning If shake of the cold; nipping at my ears and arms as it numbs my arms. I shudder and wish I had brought a hat. I put my hands out in front of me and call for the basketball. A teammate passes to me and I felt the grip of the ball in my hands. I hoist the ball into shooting position and drop it in disappointment as I hear the class bell ringing in my ears. I turn to my friends and we slowly, sadly, trudge away from the colored leaves, the biting cold, and in a more depressing sense, our freedom (dramatic eh?)
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You have excellent voice in this entry. Not having a hat or gloves on a cold day is always a day that kids come to dread when it comes to recess time. Comprehension is a big part of writing. The reader should not have to reread for answers. In the beginning of this entry it sounds as though the child is dribbling the ball and then all the sudden is looking at his hands. The child then gets the ball again. Was the kid dribbling the ball and then passed it and got it back to shoot?
ReplyDeleteI agree that you do have really good voice in this entry. Sometimes it's good to leave the reader with questions but like Alyssa said you had to reread to look for the answers. Next time maybe be a little more descriptive so we wouldn't have to but other than that great job :)
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